The day my heart shattered

Dec 25th was a thrilling day. I had a light positive a few days before but today there was a solid line. No denying it. It felt like them best Christmas present. Our 5th child. We were thrilled. We plotted how to tell our families. Hubby made snow angels with the our 4 other children. We were so happy. They were so happy. For some reason I didn’t feel like shouting from the Facebook roof tops this time. We told people in private as time went on and they questioned why I was sick. I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t make myself eat. Food made me sick. Jan 24th I was unwell so I went to the ER and they checked my blood levels and my hcg was decent for 8 weeks over 5000. Doc said i should try some diacetin and move on. They didn’t do an ultrasound. Feb 1st I had the first bit of blood streaked in mucous. It was there for one wip and then it went away. Nothing major. Feb 3 a bit more blood streaked mucous but one wip and then nothing again. Sunday Feb 7th at 11:40 am I went to the bathroom and there was much more blood. But it once again was limited. I wasn’t taking chances. I packed up the kids and went to pick up my husband. He was 20 minutes away but closer to the hospital than home. I pulled him out of a meeting and told him he was taking me to the hospital. Enroute I had managed to find someone to watch the other 4. I had him drop me off and then take the children so he could come back. There was a long wait. Hours later when we’re were seen my hgc levels dropped. Which would be normal 11 weeks, but it was significant. Doc came in with a bedside ultrasound. A crude bad imaging machine but gave us our first bad news. He could find nothing. He said he would bring us in the next day for a proper ultrasound.
Monday morning I got an early call asking for me to be in, in 45 minutes. I couldn’t find anyone to watch the kids. So hubby took the older 3 to work with him and I took the 2 year old. Once again a long wait for the results. When I was was brought in. I was beginning to fear the worst and then I over heard the doc. He came in to let me know. They found nothing but a gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. I felt the world crush my heart. Not even that the baby had passed at such and such time. There was nothing. They said if I had pain it may be ectopic but seeing as there was no pain there was just nothing. My body believes and chemically saying I am pregnant but there is no baby. Maybe never was. There are not enough tears. I don’t know where to go from here.

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Pregnancy and Birth Facts ( Facebook status game )

Have you seen the pregnancy and birth fact games going around? It is where you post them about your pregnancy and birth and people who like your status will be given a number to do their own. Well I figured that since so much stuff gets lost in the great Facebook world I would post them here as well.

I’ll do 8 for each pregnancy and birth;

Damian(7 years )
1- Had my first known miscarriage and then  conceived D 2 weeks after. This ensued a lot of questions about his date.
2- I had a major sweet tooth through this pregnancy. I love Reese peanut butter anything
3- I had food poisoning after eating too many hotdogs while camping at 27 week. This is when I learned I’m sensitive to IV gravol. I get stoned for hours- 16 hours after that was the best cup of mandarin oranges, a metal spoon and my nose. ( my hubby still laughs about this)
4- We went out for Indian for the first time at 32 weeks. I had heartburn from that moment till birth
5- A long walk and sex got things kicked into gear at 39+6. ( my closest to EDD )
6- D was my OP baby, it sucked, I subcombed to a bit of drugs.  Wish I would have had a Doula to help with different positions.
7- I ended up with a 3-4 degree tear due to the Doc needing to change her shoes so I had to wait even though my body was trying to birth a baby.
8- I was so thrilled that he was a boy. I had felt that way his entire pregnancy

Bonus fun fact- When the OB/Gyn was doing my stitching I yelled at her in my gas induced state that “I was not her f-ing sewing project, I was going to be back in 2 years to have my baby girl” Missed by a day and had a boy ( D Oct 18/06 A Oct 19/08)

Ainsley (5 years)
1- I had major nausea, lost 20 lbs in the first trimester.
2- Heartburn from 20 weeks till birth. I joked I was going to give birth to sasquatch. He was the hairiest baby, even his ear had long hair.
3- This was my most supported birth ( to this point ) I had two doulas, my hubby and best friend.
4- In the middle of active labour my BFF asked why I wasn’t screaming and flipping out ( aka hollywood) I simply looked at her and told her that ” I choose this for myself it takes two to tango” In the middle of a  contraction.
5- I was a pain in the nurses ass. I didn’t want to do anything to make their job easier. They wanted to check me the could do it around what I was doing. They put in the stupid IV port while I was on the birthing ball
6- He has a nuchal cord pretty tight around his neck. Gave me a scare seeing as he took a bit to transition to this world and no one was telling me anything
7- Even though I had thought ( read wanted, my intuition keep telling me different ) he was going to be a girl it took me over an hour of holding him and talking to him to realize he was not a girl. I knew he was a boy and spoke to him as a boy but hadn’t realized that him being a boy meant he wasn’t a girl.
8- My MIL said the most insensitive thing to me after his birth ” At least the boys look alike so we know the dads are the same” I think that is when I started having the biggest issues with her.

Cael ( 2 1/2 years)
1- This first time I had decided to plan a homebirth.
2- nausea and heart burn were pretty much my only issues I think I threw up 3 times
3- I had major pelvic girdle pain, so much it hurt to walk
4-I learned that no matter how much you plan if you let people get into your head that 3rd babies are tougher and the a homebirth may not work, that it can be very bad for your birthing time
5- I had midwives that didn’t have time for me or my birth. I think it contributed a lot to my transfer and c-section
6- My c-section was the most traumatic event in my life to date. I felt I had no choice becasue no one was talking to me, and I didn’t know what questions to ask. I  thought my choices were my life and risk baby if I was to continue or risk mine ( major surgery) in order to save my baby. I choose to save my baby. I was crying so hard I could barely read the consent form through the tears
7- I made a choice in recovery that I could stay there and  feel sorry for myself or I could get the F -out of there get my baby and never let anyone hurt us again. I came out stripped us both down and spent the next 5 days skin to skin with him in the hospital bedsharing and being a pain in the ass. ( I wouldn’t fill out their forms or anything I just wanted all the medical staff to leave me along unless I needed something from them.
8- There ended up being no medical reason for why the surgery was needed. They ran tests and all sorts of stuff and nothing came back. I very much believe it came down to stuff that was given to me to help tone things up ( herbal induction ) and a team who didn’t have time for my birth ( she had a test in the morning)

Baby Sweet Pea ( TBA )
1- I decided I was going into this with power and informed choice
2- I am planning a homebirth, it may end up being a UC depending on how I’m feeling about it at the moment
3- Even if Midwives are in attendance at my birth. It is MY birth and they will touch me and my baby only with permission. I’m planning to free birth with a very hands off approach
4- I have been very sick this pregnancy. While I didn’t lose much weight this time I have barely been able to eat and would vomit most things till 30 weeks. I still have limited vomiting and nausea and heartburn to this day.
5- I have chosen to take Hypnobabies, hire a doula and be more emotionally prepared this time around.
6- I have had pre birthing time for about 2 weeks now and I’m tired.
7-We are really hoping that the baby will be here this weekend
8- It seems the general consensus is that this little one will be a girl and as much as I would love a little girl the idea terrifies me a fair amount.

Christmas is coming

So here we sit, on the 25th of November. In one month my house will be filled with chaos and shouts of excitement. This year is going to be busy for us. Hoo boy will it be busy. On top of our normal family stuff we will be having hubby’s Dad, Stepmom and younger siblings. These younger siblings are much younger, like 5 & 3 years old younger. Plus my grandparents will be in town, visiting us. My grandma will be here earlier in order to help with the other lovely guest that should be showing up soon.  Yup the baby should be joining our family very soon. I need our lil Sweet pea to keep growing for at least one more week and then all is good. So in other words once I hit December we are baby go time pretty much at any moment.

I have been spending the last several months wishing that time would just slow down a little bit so that I would have enough time to get ready for this baby. Things have gotten done here and there but there is still stuff to do. Today  I shall be popping some baby clothes, bedding and recieving blankets into wash so that they are all clean and ready. I deen to pull out my sewing machine and make a few woolies for the baby.

Crazy to think how fast time is going. Before I know it our new baby will be here and the year will be over.

Being a squeaky wheel

The squeaky wheel gets heard.

When I wrote the other week about the challenges I was going through with the prenatal care and the respecting of my birth choices.( you can read about it here ) I was in a place of an almost limbo, I had made my choice of where I was birthing but I still didn’t know how care was going to happen for me. I knew what I was needing to do for me and my baby. I felt knowledgeable and safe with my choice and I was really just looking for some back up to go with it.

The unfortunate issue really was not really safety, which is what they tried to sell me on to start with. It was politics and possibly someone making sure they get their share of the money. That is not where the medical system should be making choices for birthing women but alas that is where we sat. So I decided to do something about it. Talking with different midwives wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I choose to go higher. I went to the College of Midwives of BC. I got myself informed about policies, procedures and standards of care. I decided to become a thorn in the side of my local midwifery group. Now this really is something I never thought I would do. Sure I like to stir the pot and stand up for others rights but I have never spearheaded my own quest. And I was on a quest, I was on a quest to have my informed choice rights respected. I was on a quest to be free to birth my baby at home regardless of my previous births. I had my information and I started making connections. I began to learn about other women who were not respected and their choices were made for them, not for safety but for archaic policies that have been debunked. ( nothing by mouth, clock watching, consistent monitoring)

So I sent an e-mail to a few people and the initial response was less than supportive. Like I said in the previous post. They were able to stop and limit midwifery but they didn’t have a standard of care that everyone had to follow in regards to birthplace choice. I was enraged and angry I didn’t understand how they could do this to women. It is worth mentioning that midwifery has only been regulated in BC for the past 20 or so years. They put some wonderful women through the ringer because of this regulations and limits that they placed.

Then I went to my next midwife appointment, honestly I went in prepared to fight for my rights. I had all my ducks in a row I had all of their Standard of care and Code of Ethics printed. I had studies, I was prepared. Well pretty much. I still had a knot in my stomach because I hate confrontation but I felt strongly about this. I wasn’t just fighting for me and my baby any more I was fighting for the women in my area who just like me were being held down due to a scar.

The first few minutes of the appointment were a bit awkward. Then it happened, we started to talk about what the plans were. My anxiety spiked and I was ready, hubby held my hand as we waited for what they were going to say. Then she told us that they would attend my HBAC ( homebirth after a cesarean) While they were not necessarily endorsing this, they felt that it was a safer and better option for me. Both hubby and I were flabberghasted, I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the ground. They didn’t give much for reason just that they felt that they needed to respect my choices. There was some talk of reason that I would choose to transfer, which are only if truly medically necessary.

We were delighted and shocked. It has been a long road to get to this point. There has been tears and frustration. There have been moments when I wished December would never come. Though now I have learned that if you believe in something and you know it is right you have to fight for it. Change can not be made when you sit idly by hoping some one else will do it. So for now we have our support back up plan but we also have our comfort level of knowing, our baby this time will come into the world in a much more respected manner.

Do you know what is it?

As a mom with three boys, I seem to be getting the automatic assumption that we are having another baby so we can have a girl. I get it from people I know, family, and complete strangers. I have had random people at random times ask if I know what I am having? The thing is we have never found out with any of our children their sex before they were born.

Why?
Well for one I have this terrible fear that they will be wrong and I will be prepared in very gender stereotypes. Even if you say it won’t happen it often does. Really it’s not a big deal but if people know what you are having they will usually be more than happy to help out with all their hand me downs. I have no issue with hand me downs but kids grows so fast I don’t need 150 newborn outfits.

Along with the being wrong fear. I don’t want myself and family member to get so set in one gender and then another appears. It could set you up for a let down. I don’t think the sex of a baby should determine how much you love a baby, but it happens. I know people who have found out that their child was not the sex they hoped for and they were disappointed. I honestly “thought” ( read wanted) both # 2 and #3 to be girls. My instinct told me something different most of the time but I over-rode it. We didn’t know for sure though, and that was something that we had decided to do. To be honest I didn’t even notice that #2 was not a girl till a few hours after birth. I knew he was a boy I just didn’t occur to me that I had guessed wrong. #3 was so all over the place I didn’t care what the sex was I just wanted to know my baby was safe and alive, I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to know that my baby was okay.

I have no issue with people who want to find out the gender of their child. That is totally up to them and their family. For me though I wish so much emphasis the sex of the child. It doesn’t make them loved any more or any less. My issue is when people assume that I need to have mixed genders to have a complete and happy family. We talked and then planned on having 4 children while I was pregnant with #2. It was a bit different from our original plan of definatly 2 maybe 3.

For us the sex of our children has played no basis on whether or not to have more children. We love our children and I wouldn’t change my boys for anything. I love them so much and they have helped me grow and develop in many ways. While I’m not saying that girls wouldn’t have done this. I know it would be in a slightly different situation.

So no I don’t know if I’m having a boy or a girl. I’m hoping for a healthy baby. I am looking forward to meeting this new little person soon. About the only thing I can say for sure is I’m NOT having puppies.

 

Politics, policy and other BS

” All that matters is a healthy baby.” This statement strikes guilt through a mom that is suffering trauma from her birth. Birth trauma is a very real thing. Often it involves losing control, having procedures done to you without consent, and doctors and midwives who have a different agenda than the birth mother. There are times when things change and things happen but how you are treated can greatly affect how you feel. Being respected in choices that are beyond your control, having someone talk to you in a respectful manner, as opposed to being treated like a less being.

Birth is a very raw and real time for families. It is a time where you are literally sitting at the cusp of life and death. It can be magical and wonderful, or it can be terrifying and traumatic. Birth is a very normal and natural thing but it does come with risks for everyone. Know one knows how any one birth will go, you just jump in when it’s time and go for the ride of your life. It is much easier to survive and come out unscathed if you are respected and feel safe.

With the birth of our fourth child coming up soon, the birthing time is very much on our minds. This is our final planned child and we would like this birth to be a healing and joyous experience. Unfortunately we are hitting road blocks along our way that is leaving us to change what our original plan was. Unfortunately I am not really sure why these road blocks are in place, as I can’t seem to get a real straight answer.

Now I understand that there are some concerns and questions in the medical mind about this pregnancy for me. This is going to be my first baby after having a caesarean section with my third child. Apparently in the community that I live in that leaves me ineligible to have a home birth. Our problem with this is surrounding communities will attend a HBAC ( home birth after cesarean ) but mine wont. They used to but now they wont and no one will give me a straight answer as to why. I have heard many different answers, but none are really what I feel to be a valid answer. They work as answers but they really fall more into the cop out range for answers. So I went with the next logical choice when I can’t get an answer from the practitioners I went to their governing body and asked them for a policy or reasoning. I really thought that a governing body that is paid and regulated would have some sort of concrete out lined list of requirements. I thought that said governing body since they are always saying what a midwife can’t do and where her scope end would also say where her scope is and require them to fall within it. Guess what? I was wrong.

I had decided to try and connect with the College’s ” Quality Assurance and Clinical Practice Policy Director”. I figured she would be the best person to speak with seeing as my questions were well within her title, so it should be in her job description. I simply sent her an e-mail a week ago and this was that e-mail.

Hello

I am a mother to three children and expecting my 4th in a few months time. I am writing this to inquire what the Colleges standards and policies regard a homebirth after 1 c-section. I have two previous uncomplicated hospital vaginal births before my third child which resulted in an unknown tachycardia in both mom and baby, resulting in a c-section. With testing that was done following the birth I have had an OB state that there was no reason to repeat c-section. 

The main reason I am writing this to the college is after looking through the Colleges page. I have read the code of ethics and the standards of practice. As well I have read the study that you actually have on VBAC’s listed. Also I have talked with various midwives, and been hitting walls within communication. I feel that I am getting conflicting information on the policy of a homebirth within regulations. I desire a homebirth for my 4th and final child and I wish for a clear stated communication about what is required by the College and if there is some informed choice policy that can help me reach my desired birth. I understand it is the College of midwifery’s goal to give women freedom in their birthing and I feel that I am not receiving this model of care. I am being spoken to strictly in fear and limited information thus not actually allowing my my rights to informed choice. 

If you can please get back to me I would like to progress in my planning and preparing for this birth. I do not wish to cause issues but I do desire that my rights be respected. 

The response I got back was a bit unexpected actually. I thought they would just send me some paperwork, that outlined a policy and to do with it as I please. Instead they wanted my contact info so they could speak with me.. I figured this could be a good thing they want to know more so they can set this right and allowed the informed choice right that I have in my birth. Once again I was wrong.  Being wrong really stinks.

So I gave them my info and she called me. Luckily it was during C’s naptime so I had time to talk without being too interrupted.  I explained to her a bit further about the fact that the community I was living in was refusing to respect my informed choice and attend my birth at my home. Unfortunately I didn’t have a recording device to put the entire conversation out there. Though here is the summary, and then my thoughts on each point.

  •  You need to respect your midwife and her comfort levels ( while this is understandable. What about MY comfort levels? I am the paying client, don’t we need to respect me?)
  • You can always find another caregiver. Or travel to a city where they will attend you.( This sounds wonderful and like the option I would be going for except in my community there is no one who will attend. I tried this already, I got shut down. I don’t have anywhere else to go to see a midwife, it’s not like I have a secret house somewhere. The other option is to rent a hotel room, the time of year doesn’t exactly allow for a bunch of freedom in this. I also feel that travelling to a different city in a different home kinda defeats the purpose of staying home. )
  • We can’t force a midwife to attend a HBAC. It is up to them and their community as to how they want to attend births ( Okay so you can regulate and tell women who have been doing midwifery for years what they can’t do and take their career away. Though you can’t have the group that you have specially selected to be midwives to follow the woman’s’ right to informed choice about her birth? )
  • You need to keep communication lines open. If they still wont attend then find a different provider. ( I have been keeping the lines open. Apparently I wasn’t very clear though, I’m talking and no one seems to care)
  • Ultimately everyone needs to be safe and comfortable. ( I didn’t really understand this statement, to be completely honest. I just felt like I was being dismissed)
Through out the conversation she kept telling me to just change providers. I really felt like she didn’t care about the situation or the facts that are going on. I felt like I was getting lip service from the people that are supposed to be creating and upholding a standard of care for midwives. Finally at the end she did tell me that there is a form that we can work though. It is for when a client is refusing recommended care, but then she said that my midwife might not even know about the document?!?!? I fund it very odd, I will be e-mailing her to get a copy of this document so that I have it, just in case. She also told me to bring copies of the Standard of Care, Code of Ethics and the study on VBAC’s on the college’s page. This honestly really made me wonder what is going on within this governing board. If I need to be bringing these things into my midwife. Shouldn’t she be fully aware of their policies and procedures?
So now I sit with a few options in my corner and I know what we are likely going to do and we are comfortable with our choice. My fight is feeling now more for women who don’t realize they can fight for their choices. That having a surgery does not always limit your choices. That we as women and people have rights to informed choices about our birth and that we are allowed to make those choices. We don’t have to let doctors or midwives decide our and our babies birth. We have a voice and we can stand up. I’m tired of being held down and I’m going to do this the way I feel that will be best for me and my baby.

Project Doula

I think that Doula’s are one of the most under use birth tools out there. They are a wonderful tool for any birthing mother or couple out there. Now often doula’s are misunderstood and people have no idea how they can actually help you. Doula’s are not midwives and midwives or doctors do not replace a doula. This is an important thing to clarify right of the get go. They are very different professions and they have very different jobs.

I didn’t have a doula with my first. Honestly I didn’t know they existed. I didn’t know a lot of things when I had my first. ( more on that in a later post ) I had my husband and my grandmother there, they were both wonderfully supportive of me. Though with only a loose birth plan, not knowing my rights of informed choice, and a medical staff that refused to listen to a first time mom. Let’s just say some stuff happened and I’m not happy with how I was treated.

With my second I had a team of doula’s. They were wonderful ladies who were essential to my birth being more respected than my first. They took notes and pictures, massaged me. Lifted me up when I was feeling like I couldn’t do it anymore. Along with them was my husband and my best friend. I can honestly say it was my best birth of the three. There was still some things done that were not consented to but I’m feeling it was just part of being in the hospital.With my third I had a doula but due to the circumstances surrounding the birth she was not much of an asset. Things happened to fast and with a transfer to the hospital due to health related concerns she walked into turmoil. I don’t fault her as no one knew what was going on and I was in such emotional upheaval that I barely noticed her and don’t know what, if anything she said to me.

With my fourth I am planning a very different birth experience. I’m going into this as a  empowered woman with tool and the belief in herself. and her capabilities. I have found a doula who respects birth in it’s most natural form. She trusts the natural process and she believe in the woman’s ability to birth. I know that she is supportive of my choices and I know she will stand by me as I advocate for my rights. I may almost go as far as saying I love her.

Having a doula that will blend well with you and respect your space is most important. This person needs to be trusted, as they will be with you in your most primal and vulnerable state.  They will often be with you more than your care provider, having a front seat to all the goings on in the birthing space. You doula will remain a part of your birth forever and hopefully they will be a wonderful peaceful part of it.

Did you have a doula? Do you want a doula?

Food, Clothes and Finally Some Weight

I figure it has been a bit since my last pregnancy update. I’ll let you in on a few things that are going on around here. I’m starting to feel human again, well as human as one can feel when growing a life knowing that someone else is living in you, some days sucking your very life-force. Honestly some days my belly looks like some out of the Alien movies with all the moving and shifting.  Hey that means the baby is growing a moving though so it’s a good thing that I just have to live with …. again. But hey I can eat and get around and some days I’m even adventurous enough to leave my house with my children. ( yeah me!)

I can eat eggs again. Don’t be too proud this was Damian’s plate mine was half the size

With feeling better I’m starting to eat better too! Two weeks ago on our camping trip the two little ones and I both came down with a lovely little intestinal virus. Not awesome but that is a whole other story that I should get around to writing. 😉 Though since I have recovered from that ( which took about 4 days) I seem to be able to eat a bit more. Which is good, seeing as the boys clap and rewards me with thumbs up and pats on the back when I finish a dinner smaller than the toddlers plate. *shame* Yeah they all out eat me now and I’m supposed to be supporting another life. But hey when baby sweet pea says the there is enough food  in the belly, I don’t argue anymore. See I do learn my lessons , eventually. With being able to eat that means that I finally get to put on some weight. Which is good when you are pregnant and  been losing weight. While I am being aware of my pregnancy gains I know what my body has done in the past with the boys and I just watch the food I eat and the weight will do what it will. I’m able to eat more food that are considered healthy so that is a huge bonus. Most of the food aversions seem to have left which makes eating and making dinner so much easier.

my tiger stripes

Now my belly has been growing even with the weight loss. So the stretching is happening. You think with this being the fourth baby that my body would be as stretched as it is going to get. Wrong! this one seem to be loving the sideways stretch hips butt and belly are where all the weight is going. So maternity clothes still suck ass because they just don’t seem to fit me. Though as much as I hate laundry I really dislike the idea of the rest of the world seeing me naked, so we make do with clothes when we go out. Then there is a lot of comfy pants and t-shirt at home. You know  what is also driving my bonkers this pregnancy, my BRA! It is an evil contraption that hates my breasts. I’m sure of it. I figure it will have to be replaced because we are just not getting along any more. The moment I get home I can’t get upstairs to take it off fast enough. It only  gets worn when I have to leave the house and see people. I have a thing , it’s odd, but I feel uncomfortable around other people without a bra on. Totally my own personal special issue.

Well here we are at 25 weeks. and while I’m still expecting to have this little sweet pea a week early, we are getting to the final countdown. The stuff that needs to get done in the next few weeks keeps growing. Clean the garage out so the van can go in, which involves a fair amount of purging crap, um… junk, er.. our lovely possessions that we no longer have use for our even know why we have. Cleaning and  er… finding the baby clothes ( which are in the garage with the rest of the stuff, from our move a year ago. * shame* ) Prepping for Christmas and all that come with that, food , gifts, decorations, parties, gatherings and what not. We need to get any birth supplies we need so that we are prepared and not caught off guard. So time is ticking and stuff need to get done. Wish me luck. Let hope for some energy in the third trimester so we can get it all done on top of the regular day to day stuff, of being a homeschooling mom and housewife.

Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins with Coconut flour

Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins with Coconut Flour

Since I have been pregnant it is no secret that I have been sick sick sick. I recently sat down and looked at the nutritional needs for pregnancy, and I realized no matter how much I tried I was failing miserably. So I decided to make a muffin jam packed with goodness. Lots of good fats and omegas in these yummy little muffins.

I made a dozen this is the last one

1/2 cup organic butter
1/4 cup Maple Syrup
1/4 cup raw unpasteurized Honey
2-3 RIPE Bananas
3 free range farm eggs
3 tbsp Coconut Flour
1 1/2 tbsp Chia seeds
3 tsp Flax seeds
2 tsp Baking soda
1/4 cup Chocolate chips ( optional )
1/4 cup Crushed walnuts (optional )

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a muffin tin with liners. ( trust me you need to have these or your muffins will stick) Blend butter, maple syrup, honey and bananas together till well mixed. Add eggs, chia seed and flax. Blend in coconut flour and baking soda. Mix till a nice consistency is formed, does not have to be completely smooth, mine was a bit lumpy. Add chocolate chip and/ or walnuts if you feel so inclined.  I used a 1/4 cup to dish the muffins into the lined tray and they filled up perfectly. Put in over for 15-20 minutes, check for readiness but using the toothpick check. Yields 12 muffins

* please note when they first come out until the y are completely cooled they seemed a bit greasy. I took them out and placed them on paper towel and once they were cool there was no greasiness left