Another year has passed.

I can’t believe 2016 is coming to a close already. It has really been a crazy ride this year. It started off super high with the postive pregnancy test last Christmas. Then took a plumeting dump in February when we found out that there was no baby.

We have been active and out with out Scouting groups. David is out every other month camping with the boys. He has really fallen into Scouting after I dragged him down with me last year.

This summer we took a trip out east to see David’s dad. I got to see my sister Crystal. The big event of the trip was David’s younger brother, Grant’s, baptism. We had a family reunion on my side in Calgary. Took a trip to the Royal Tyrell Museum with the kids. It was quite the summer trip.

September brought a change in distance learning schools for us. We thought we would give our local school a try and see how it went. C started kindergarten, A is in grade 3 and D is grade 5 now. I can’t believe how fast the time is going.  It is sure that there will be more changes on the school front next year.

Then when we think life can’t get anymore crazy. I am pregnant again. We found out in August but kept things pretty quiet. We did blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure things were looking good before we got too excited this time. It looks like we will have #5 join us in April 2017img_2016-12-15_14-08-39_

We are very excited. And no we don’t know if it will be a boy or a girl. From the ultrasound though, it looks like we are having a beautiful perfect baby.

Christmas was very low key this year. We decided to stay home and enjoy our first Christmas in our new house. We were so fortunate to be able to buy out here. The unforunate relaity of our local real estate is that it is very expensive.

All in all I think we have had a good year and I am excited to see what 2017 is going to bring us.

My Brey……

I will never know you in this life. I know that you were with me even for a short period of time. I loved you from the moment those lines showed up. Your Daddy was so excited for you to join us. Your brothers were really hoping you were going to finally be the sister they were asking for.

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out like we had hoped. Your due date is closing in on us. You would have been my summer baby. Sure life would have been hard and uncomfortable. Sure plans were going to have to adjust with your arrival. We were willing to do whatever it would take to keep you safe and happy. I’m am not sure what happened my sweet soul, but I guess our time just wasn’t right. My soul died a bit when we found out you would not be joining us earth side. It’s okay sweet soul. I will still love you forever and you will remain in my heart.

I love you Brey and like all the little souls before you you will live in my heart forever.

The day my heart shattered

Dec 25th was a thrilling day. I had a light positive a few days before but today there was a solid line. No denying it. It felt like them best Christmas present. Our 5th child. We were thrilled. We plotted how to tell our families. Hubby made snow angels with the our 4 other children. We were so happy. They were so happy. For some reason I didn’t feel like shouting from the Facebook roof tops this time. We told people in private as time went on and they questioned why I was sick. I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t make myself eat. Food made me sick. Jan 24th I was unwell so I went to the ER and they checked my blood levels and my hcg was decent for 8 weeks over 5000. Doc said i should try some diacetin and move on. They didn’t do an ultrasound. Feb 1st I had the first bit of blood streaked in mucous. It was there for one wip and then it went away. Nothing major. Feb 3 a bit more blood streaked mucous but one wip and then nothing again. Sunday Feb 7th at 11:40 am I went to the bathroom and there was much more blood. But it once again was limited. I wasn’t taking chances. I packed up the kids and went to pick up my husband. He was 20 minutes away but closer to the hospital than home. I pulled him out of a meeting and told him he was taking me to the hospital. Enroute I had managed to find someone to watch the other 4. I had him drop me off and then take the children so he could come back. There was a long wait. Hours later when we’re were seen my hgc levels dropped. Which would be normal 11 weeks, but it was significant. Doc came in with a bedside ultrasound. A crude bad imaging machine but gave us our first bad news. He could find nothing. He said he would bring us in the next day for a proper ultrasound.
Monday morning I got an early call asking for me to be in, in 45 minutes. I couldn’t find anyone to watch the kids. So hubby took the older 3 to work with him and I took the 2 year old. Once again a long wait for the results. When I was was brought in. I was beginning to fear the worst and then I over heard the doc. He came in to let me know. They found nothing but a gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. I felt the world crush my heart. Not even that the baby had passed at such and such time. There was nothing. They said if I had pain it may be ectopic but seeing as there was no pain there was just nothing. My body believes and chemically saying I am pregnant but there is no baby. Maybe never was. There are not enough tears. I don’t know where to go from here.

Elias James – A HBAC birth story

Given that today is E’s 1st Birthday I figured I would finally get around to writing out his birth story.

It was a snowy day, I was thrilled. We really don’t get much snow here on the West Coast. It just rains a LOT, there are many types of rain and I was wanting more of the frozen fluffy variety. I had visions of have the baby by the Christmas tree with snow falling softly in the background. I really didn’t think today was going to be the day, I had hoped the baby would arrive 5 days earlier on the 15, just to give a bit more distance from Christmas.

In the morning my Grandma had gone outside to shovel the front walk, and the older three were helping her. I stood watching from the upper floor window. thinking I should go help but knowing that my pregnant body would not hold up to it.1476211_10152067370925042_1113720901_n

I continued to wander around the house trying to figure out a way to keep myself busy. I decided the best course of action was to go out side and get some pictures of the kids in our rare snow day. I bundled my self up as much as I could and headed out. Taking pictures of course turned into a snowball fight and making snow angels

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We of course had to get a picture of my rounded self. Not knowing it would be one of the last ones of me pregnant.

After some snow fun we had some lunch and then it was time for a nap as both C and I were tired. I know Grandma went down for a nap as well. The bigger boys headed downstairs to watch some TV.  Here is when things began to get started.

I remember about 2pm waking up to a sudden though of  “GET OUT OF THE BED NOW!” I got up and rushed to the bathroom as fast as my waddley self could go. Once I got the en suite toilet I knew something didn’t feel quite right. I drooped my pants as fast as I couldDSCF2208 and assumed the position. GUSH Yup there she goes, a bust of amniotic fluid. My plug had gone a day or two before so there was no surprise here. I was pretty sure things were going to go into gear from here. I didn’t want to wake the sleeping house though so I called my Doula and let her know what was going on. After talking we had decided to see how things are progressing and she would get her affairs in order so that she could head over. I then sent my hubby probably the most interesting text. Thankfully he actually was on high alert and checking his phone at this time. ( He doesn’t most of the time)

The text- Are you committed to working the rest of your day? Really who asks their husband that? Clearly I was kinda going into my birth space at this point because that is just not a normal thing to ask, when your waters have release and you are having regular birthing waves. Alas that is the question I asked.  His response was one to question what I was talking about and to quickly call me. I explained that my waters had released about 45 minutes prior and things were kinda getting started. I then asked him again if he wanted to come home. He naturally made the wise choice to cancel the rest of his day and was home in about 7 minutes.

When he arrived I still hadn’t told anyone in the house that things had started. Grandma was still having her nap and none the wiser. With David’s arrival it was clear that something was going on to the everyone else, because why else would he be home 4 -5 hours early. David came to the bedroom to find me where I was still keeping things together for the most part but things were definitely getting more intense. I had him start getting the pool ready as we were having a waterbirth at home with this baby.  Now here the exact series of events get kinda hazy I’m pretty sure David had the pool set up before I had him me to the living room so I could start listening to my birthing time hypnobabies soundtrack. He may have been doing that while I was listening but those details don’t really matter. I know by about 4 or 4:30 David had called our doula back to know that things were definitely going and she needed to get here quickly. I just know she showed up at one point.  Remember being glad that she was there because I was getting done with listening to my track and I wanted her to tell me I could stop doing it now. ( Our doula was also our hypnobabies instructor)

Shortly after she arrived I remember something being decided that i needed to go to the bathroom. I hadn’t been since my water release a few hours previous. I’m pretty sure my hallways was longer than it had ever been, they tricked me somehow and took me through a fun house maze maybe. But either way we got there and whoa doodle movement made things get moving. I’m not sure how long we were there it may have been 10 minutes or longer. I felt like a long time but not at the same time. It is crazy how your perception is so wonked out when you are in the moment.  Anyways after that experience I then wanted back in the living room. I wanted to see my Christmas tree and see if things were the way I liked it. I couldn’t walk by myself at this point because things were so intense. My hubby and doula then got me all set up with my ball and a chair for support. That way I didn’t fall off the ball. Which is something I do when I am in fully control of my body, let’s not take chances while my primal self is in control.

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At one point C brought me some rubber duckies to hold. They were really the best things for me because I could squeeze them with every wave.

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On our way back to the living room I had asked David to start getting the water in the tub because I was ready to get in.  This is where a series of funny little events happened. I sat there watching David get the water filled and I saw that he had forgotten to put the liner in. It took me awhile to put together the words to tell him that he had forgotten it. By the time I did there was an inch or so of water in the bottom of the pool. so cue dumping water and getting a liner in place 🙂

After awhile I asked when I could get in thing were really starting to feel very intense. I don’t tend to be super vocal and the environment was very peaceful. I was calm but I was starting to doubt myself. ( which should have been a clear indicator that we were almost done)

When It was finally time for me to get into the pool it was quite the process. Both David and our doula had to help up to standing, which prompted another release of waters.  then out of the clothes I was wearing. Two steps another birthing wave and then another two to get me to the pool. I was then assisted into the pool. The water felt lovely. I often use baths for a method of relaxation and this was so wonderful.

Things happened very fast at this point. I had a birthing wave but it was not the same intensity as they had previously been. I relaxed back into the pool edge, sinking into a level of peaceful bliss. I was aware of things going on around me  but they didn’t simply matter at all. I’m pretty sure something could have been burning down and I would have smiled in peace. Speaking of burning, next came a slight burning sensation, I thought to myself. “huh? this just maybe the ring of fire the people speak of “. The thought that followed was ” how do I know I am dilated enough?” Oh had I forgot to mention there was no midwife in attendance? Yeah we weren’t really into that sort of thing this time around. More on that later. Or you can go back to last year and see the issues surrounding that. 🙂

So back to the topic at hand. as I lay there contemplating how my body was actually doing its job in birthing a baby. I decided I should let everyone in on what was happening. As the next wave hit I rolled to my side and announced that the baby was coming.  There was a flurry of activity, as the bigger boys were downstairs and had expressed that they wanted to be present for the birth. The video camera was on and children were called. D wanted to video the birth C DSCF2234thought he should as well, thus a fight had to ensue. My rock awesome doula came up with a solution and had a little battery-powered candle that C  got to hold for mommy.  I was hearing most of the goings on but was pretty much numb to it.  I really had my own thing going on.

I remember telling Dave that I think the baby is coming and that the head was there. He checked and then I am pretty sure I told him to not touch the baby. One more wave and out he came. David assisted me in getting the baby as I was up on my knees and wanted to sit back. Out he came from the water and he was a healthy screaming baby boy. WOW 4 boys for us. How blessed are we 🙂 He was born about 7:10 pm, 5 hours after my waters had released and 3 1/2 hours after the birthing waves really began to kick in. DSCF2256

We then decided to call the midwives now that the baby was born and the birth couldn’t be interfered with. I snuggled my sweet baby boy in the water for quite some time after. He latched and started nursing within about 5 minutes of his birth.  after about 20 or so minutes it was decided that I needed to get out of the pool. I had tried but was unable to move. I think my body was pretty exhausted from the butt whooping that it just got from a very fast birthing time. I had David pretty much pick me and the baby up out of the pool and we headed to the bedroom where I then birthed the placenta 20 is minutes later and I could rest.

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The baby and I remained connected until the placenta delivery and then after we separated him from the placenta. Mostly just because I was worried about the older boys knocking it over and making a mess. I was then able to lay back and rest a bit. My wonderful doula kept my hydrated and nourished with water and dates all they time. It was like she knew I needed stuff before I did. It was wonderful to have such a help.

Unfortunately my body it had scar tissue from my first two births and I torn again so that needed to be fixed. I think that is why I felt the need to have the midwife in attendance. The stitching was a very interesting and educational component for little boys who  felt that they had to be part of everything. There were some things said and statements that made everyone laugh. Needless to say I don’t think they will be shocked when their future wives have babies of their own. Thankfully it was an easy one and she was able to get things done right there.  We then weighed our little monkey. 8 pounds! Bigger than his last brother but smaller than the biggest two

DSCF2294After all was said and done The midwife was present for maybe about 2 hours most of it being paperwork. My doula left after about 2 hours post birth I think. Then it was time to settle everyone down for rest for the night.  I stayed in bed and life was really quite wonderful no one moving disturbing me or anything. I just got to relax in the comfort of my own home after my baby.

For the record my Doula was Gina Snyder of Truly Pure Birth. If you live in the GVRD and are having a homebirth you should use her.

Sorry for radio silence

Life has been crazy and now things seem to be coming to light. Life with 4 kids and everything that goes with it has been nothing short of crazy. We are still busy homeschooling and everything that goes with that. Updates are coming soon I assure you.

Pandora by Charairo, a review

I recently had the opportunity to be a tester for a new wrap, with an up and coming weaver. It was a wonderful wrap and I was sad to send it on.

Here is a review of the wrap

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Name/Design/Description: The wrap is named Pandora. SHe had a beautiful colour way of purples teals and a bit of browns

Material/fiber/yarn type (if known): Cotton linen blend

Structure(plain weave/twill/etc): Plain weave

Grams per square meter: Unknown

Size/Length and Width: woven as a 4.6 with a width of 27″

Pros: I really loved this wrap. I was the first on the line of testers, so I had this beauty fresh from the weaver. I was thrilled with how comfortable and soft it was right off the bat. She hadn’t been through wear yet still wrapped wonderfully and easily. I have both a babe and preschooler that I was able to wrap up and is was nice and easy for both.

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The wrap did feel very study and while I wouldn’t call it thick it has good substance. It felt cushy  on my shoulders and didn’t slip out of a ruck like some other wraps I have tried. I was very happy with my time with Pandora

Cons: The biggest con was having to send her along to her next tester. I felt our time together was too short.

How does it wrap?–best type of carries,description of wrapping qualities, etc: It wrapped nice and tight. Easy to tighten the rails and had a good hold so that tightened around trying new carries what I had already done didn’t loosen drastically. Carries I tried was a double hammock, front wrap cross carry and a ruck tied tibetan. With the FWCC I didn’t feel the need to spread the passes with my leaner.

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What wrap would you compare it to?—either machine woven or handwoven: I felt very similar to the cush of my other hand woven ( Szibbo Common Thread) and the sturdiness of my didymos wraps that I have.

Weaving Irregularities: None that I was able to spot

If you bought directly from the maker, how was your experience?–custom design process, overall customer service, communication with the weaver, sister wraps,etc:

Just a tester but maybe fun customs could be in my future 🙂

 

 

Why I’m not dumping ice water on my head

So incase you have been living under a rock there is this viral thing going around on the interwebs that past few weeks. it’s an Ice Bucket challenge for ALS. It’s pretty simple you video yourself having a bucket of ice water dumped on your head or you give $100 to ALS. Pretty simple and not something I am choosing to engage in. There are several reasons but one big one is I choose not to.

In our house we donate money in places where we feel it is needed. Places that are not already getting thousands and millions of dollars. I’m going to donate to a cause that I can see my dollars and time directly benefiting. So where have we donated some money?

Before we go there little disclaimer. I’m not telling you this to get a gold star. This is our life and our choice. You can put your money where you feel it is best used. If that is ALS,  then great love, all the power to you.

We have donated to a group that is working to bring cuddle cots to our local maternity ward. You can check their Facebook group here. Cuddle cots help families who have experienced a loss of a newborn be able to spend a few moments together. With donating to this I know I am literally buying time for a family. We also donate to our local food bank, which will feed our community, our neighbours.

We choose to take our money and help where we can really help people. Yes, these big charities can help find cures or at least treatments for nasty awful diseases, but that is in the future. Right now I can help someone by sending my dollars where they are really needed, today.

So no I won’t dump ice water on my head or donate to ALS. While You may enjoy it I have no desire to perpetuate this. While I may not be popular, and a bit of a party pooper that is how it is.

Be aware this may not garner a bunch of Facebook likes, but hey that wasn’t really what we were going for, right?

Away he went…..

Did you ever go to summer camp? My first time was when I was 13. I spent most of my youth going between parents homes in my summers and camping. But as a child I never went to summer camp. This year after much discussion and pondering, we decided that Damian could go to camp. He will be 8 this year and we found a camp that a friend of mine had been attending her whole life. Plus she was going to be there the week that D was able to go so he would have a familiar face. ( and someone for mommy to check in with, on stealth mode)

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The camp he went to was a small non denominational Christian based camp. Both of these things were important to us. It is a small camp with a great staff to camper ratio, 1:3. They keeps the kids so busy with activities, theme nights and lots of personal building. The have a chapel time where they can keep things focused on the saviour, but not too much that the kids are bored with it. Activities include archery, rock climbing, skateboarding. They have a challenge rope course, they do drama times, campfires, water activities. I’m sure there is more that D didn’t tell me about that they did in his 6 days of extreme fun.

I loved when we picked him up that other staff members knew who he was and said bye to him by name. When I checked him out his cabin leader told me that he had some wonderful scripture based talks with Damian. It filled my heart with immense joy that I sent my son somewhere that he was loved and cared for, for the week. While I missed my biggest boy so much that week I know it really was a great choice for us to have sent him to camp.

 

 

The thing about depression is…

This week the world was rocked by the death of Robin Williams. He was one of those actors that people just knew about. He was EPIC! I knew in memory in our house we have been watching his movies the past few night just bringing the laughter and remembering him and not focusing on his passing. That is what really had been what his family had requested. Remember the legacy, remember the man. I have seen many tributes to his name and most of them have been wonderful. I only say most because I’m sure I haven’t seen them all so there may very well be some bad ones out there.

This moment though I am going to discuss his death. It’s uncomfortable because it wasn’t natural causes. Robin Williams committed suicide. The funny man of the world made a choice and ended his life prematurely. This fact alone has lead some people to use his death for the normal everyday anti suicide/ depression propaganda.

Propaganda, you say?!?! No one wants anyone to ever decide to take their life. We are having people here. Knowing that they can reach out. Telling them that it is okay to talk to some one. Bullocks, is what I say on you.

If you have ever been in that dark place that is depression you might understand what it feels like to want to end your life. Depression is not just something that can be fixed by sitting down and telling someone how your day is going. Depression isn’t just one thing.  Most times it is together with other mental illness. Often anxiety, angrophobia, food addiction and substance abuse, pair up with this dark monster. At times when people are telling you to reach out, often you just want them to go away. Them telling you that you need help, doesn’t feel like it comes from a place of concern but a place of judgement.

What most people don’t understand is depression isn’t just a one day or few week thing that is instantly fixed but a good chat with a friend. Depression, true real depression is a debilitating force that crushes your very soul. It is a weight on your chest feels like it crushed your last breath with every thought of how you are once again a failure. I really want people to understand how different depression is from feeling sad or having a bad day.

So really what I am trying to get at is telling someone who is experiencing sever mental trouble and you are concerned about them. Stop telling them to seek help and get it for them. Be there be a force in their lives that not only shows that you care but that you are consistent. When you are dealing with this at times having someone consistent can be a saving grace.  Stop telling someone that you will be there and actually BE there. If you are worried that someone you know may commit suicide, be there. Actually be there. The onus is on you, that other person is suffering and is not capable of rational decisions.

 

BeBop Bum Cloth Diapers – A review

It’s no secret I love cloth diapers. I have a very healthy stash and it has all sorts of diapers in it. I have tried most types diapers and been around the cloth diapering world for about 7 years now. I know my fluff 🙂

Most recently I was given a chance to review a new WAHM on the cloth diaper scene. BeBop Bums has super cute fitted diapers. I’m loving with prefolds/ fitted and wool with Elias this time around. I can’t say enough about these beautiful diapers, out of the envelope it was cuddly and smooshy soft. I couldn’t wait to get it on E’s lil tush.

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It fits so nicely, trim yet absorbent. He does get quite a booty going on but with the holding power that this diaper has I wouldn’t expect anything less.

 

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