The day my heart shattered

Dec 25th was a thrilling day. I had a light positive a few days before but today there was a solid line. No denying it. It felt like them best Christmas present. Our 5th child. We were thrilled. We plotted how to tell our families. Hubby made snow angels with the our 4 other children. We were so happy. They were so happy. For some reason I didn’t feel like shouting from the Facebook roof tops this time. We told people in private as time went on and they questioned why I was sick. I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t make myself eat. Food made me sick. Jan 24th I was unwell so I went to the ER and they checked my blood levels and my hcg was decent for 8 weeks over 5000. Doc said i should try some diacetin and move on. They didn’t do an ultrasound. Feb 1st I had the first bit of blood streaked in mucous. It was there for one wip and then it went away. Nothing major. Feb 3 a bit more blood streaked mucous but one wip and then nothing again. Sunday Feb 7th at 11:40 am I went to the bathroom and there was much more blood. But it once again was limited. I wasn’t taking chances. I packed up the kids and went to pick up my husband. He was 20 minutes away but closer to the hospital than home. I pulled him out of a meeting and told him he was taking me to the hospital. Enroute I had managed to find someone to watch the other 4. I had him drop me off and then take the children so he could come back. There was a long wait. Hours later when we’re were seen my hgc levels dropped. Which would be normal 11 weeks, but it was significant. Doc came in with a bedside ultrasound. A crude bad imaging machine but gave us our first bad news. He could find nothing. He said he would bring us in the next day for a proper ultrasound.
Monday morning I got an early call asking for me to be in, in 45 minutes. I couldn’t find anyone to watch the kids. So hubby took the older 3 to work with him and I took the 2 year old. Once again a long wait for the results. When I was was brought in. I was beginning to fear the worst and then I over heard the doc. He came in to let me know. They found nothing but a gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. I felt the world crush my heart. Not even that the baby had passed at such and such time. There was nothing. They said if I had pain it may be ectopic but seeing as there was no pain there was just nothing. My body believes and chemically saying I am pregnant but there is no baby. Maybe never was. There are not enough tears. I don’t know where to go from here.

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